More fun with help-wanted ads (Updated 01/15/15)

ACCURATY is critical. Well duh.

I will feign surprise that “bilingual language in Chinese” is preferred:

jobs-ACCURATYrequired

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As opposed to a COBOL-based batch-processing system:

jobs-realtimesystem

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What?

jobs-LosAngelesCPA

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Makes for an interesting business card:

jobs-theheadofbranchoffice

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Maybe I should just see if McDonald’s is hiring:

jobs-15anhour

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Familiarity with, punctuation would. also be helpful;

jobs-PositionCorrectly

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Hustler Hollywood Corporate in Beverly Hills is hiring a Staff Accountant.

You know what’s next, right?

You guessed it:

“Must understand FIFO inventory method.”

And the obligatory requirement: “Excellent oral and written communication skills.”

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It’s hard to find professionals with prior experiences who speaks fluent English.

jobs-SpeaksGoodEnglish

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Well, somebody’s gotta do it:

“Responsible for the care, removal and transport of human remains in accordance with all state, local and company policies and procedures.”

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Oh dear me:

“Founded more than 60 years ago, ______ College has remained dedicated to the fundamental principles of inclusion, social justice, and the valuing of every human being. _______ has a long history of serving non-traditional and adult students; and has become known and recognized for its progressive approach to teaching and learning—valuing real-world experiences in addition to academic achievements.”

Wowie zowie but that’s a hot mess of Leftist dog whistles.

The phrase “social justice” never fails to amuse me. If you add a prefix to the word justice, it probably isn’t.

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Spell-check optional:

jobs-Industry

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Wait, what?

jobs-charted-acct

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Gnarly, Dude!

jobs-rad

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Uh….

jobs-CPArequired

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I detect a theme:

jobs-junioraccountant

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“ACCOUNTANT: Work with owner and General Manager to control all aspects of the company’s accounting as well as its subsidiaries….”

You know, there’s a word for that sort of person:

“Controller.” Not “accountant.”

I know, right?

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“[Company name] is an equal opportunity employer and all qualified applicants will receive consideration for employment without regard to race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability status, and protected veteran status.”

Cool. But what’s missing?

Oh, age.

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Brevity:

Jobs-LotsOfCounting

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Wait, what?

jobs-102014

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Wanted: Accountant/Bartender (click on graphic to view full size):

jobs-AccountantBartender

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TMI:

jobs-growingfirm

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Also, familiarity of language skill:

jobs-familiarityof

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Finally, my ship has come in:

jobs-rave

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More Fun With Help-Wanted Ads

This whole LGBTXYZ thing is getting out of hand: “Bi-Mandarin Accounting Clerk.”

The underlying ad clarifies it a bit:

Job Description: Bilingual Mandarin Accounting Clerk
Position Features:
• Casual environment
• Fun
• Great Pay to $30KA company seeks an experienced accounting clerk who is detail-oriented and willing to learn and grow with the company in food franchise industry. This growing, stable organization offers casual and fun work environment.. Exceptional career path and compensation. Apply for this great position today! We are an equal employment opportunity employer and will consider all qualified candidates without regard to disability or protected veteran status.
Additional Skills: Mandarin Chinese Must

Must what? Resist?

Well, it’s Fun, so whatever.

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Methinks the lady doth protest too much:

“The Honest Company is a newly created brand that passionately believes that all parents should have access to safer, healthier family products that don’t break the bank.”

The Honest Company? “No, really. You can trust us. Honest.”

Then again, their company spokesperson is Jessica Alba. Works for me.

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“Bookkeeper: Imprenta Communications Group – Pasadena, CA”

“MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE COMMUNITY”

Community being a code word for Democrats:

Imprenta was founded in 2001 by Ronald W. Wong, a political and communications strategist with more than 30 years of experience in marketing and political campaigns targeting Asian Pacific Americans. Ron has worked for Fortune 500 companies, served as Chief Deputy Appointments Secretary to Governor Gray Davis and in President Bill Clinton’s Administration at the U.S. Department of Justice, Community Relations Services.”

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