More: Accountant Wanted

More job search hijinks:

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“We are an ambitious start up where you need to move fast to keep up with the frenetic pace. You must be able to learn quickly and successfully do a variety of tasks simultaneously. We offer a competitive compensation and benefits package commensurate [sic], low working hours, lots of benefits.”

Frenetic, eh?  And “low working hours”? How does that work? And why?

This is how the company describes itself on its website:

“For the past 16 years, [we have] been a one of FORTUNE magazine’s list of the ‘100 Best Companies to Work For’ in America.”

A sixteen-year-old start up? And I’m the one who needs to move fast?

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Best company name:

CCR LLP.

“I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the tape deck, though.” “Or the Creedence.” 

—-

Uh…

EnclipseJobPosting

 

I’m all for asking questions! Here’s one: You want a “seasoned” CPA, right? So what are we to take “No more than 10 years’ [sic] experience in Accounting” to mean, other than No Old Farts?

—-

“[Non-profit that shall remain anonymous] does not accept resumes from third party recruitment/search firms. Please do not forward resumes to [said non-profit] employees or any company locations or email addresses.”

I love you.

—-

“Solids understanding of GAAP and standard operating procedures.”

Right on. Slip me some skin, daddy-o.

“Able to work in fast pace environment.”

When the pace is fast, the term is “fast-paced.” Try again.

“Experience in a transportation or logistics company and or with Great Plains is a plus.”

I was, until this very moment, unaware of any conceptual relationship between transportation/logistics, and Great Plains.

“Bilingual Chinese Mandarin a huge plus.”

Wait, I should speak both Chinese and Mandarin? (Raises hand slowly.) Aren’t they the same thing?

Oh, you meant bilingual English/Mandarin? Perhaps you should attend to the former language just a tad in your postings. Just sayin’. Unless there’s a non-Chinese form of Mandarin lurking about that escaped my notice.

In fairness, your English is much better than my Mandarin.

—-

“Well, for all the hard work we put in to get people connected, we also have a lot of fun. Have you ever had your CEO judge your Halloween costume? Have you ever competed in a pie-eating contest? Are you secretly a bowling champion just waiting to show off your prowess? Then apply today!”

“When we’re not playing ping pong, healing the bay, or assembling care packages at the local food bank, we are getting people connected in places where they just can’t live without the Internet — airports, stadiums, arenas, and military bases around the globe.”

Among the job duties:

“Ensure compliance with generally accepted accounting principles and company procedures / policies, including Sarbanes-Oxley requirements.”

No ping pong for you, bean counter!

(Interestingly, the company was started by a libertarian. He’s also a Scientologist. Oh.)

—-

Summary of the week:

Sales/Marketing Internship

The Little Bra Company – Los Angeles, CA

A Los Angeles-based intimate apparel line made especially for petite and smaller-proportioned women is looking for enthusiastic, savvy and dedicated interns….

I’ll leave it to readers of Big ‘Uns to supply their own jokes.

—-

In order of importance:

QUALIFICATIONS

To be considered, qualified candidates must meet ALL of the following requirements:

Speak, read, write Chinese
3+ years of general accounting experience
BA/BS in Accounting or Business related field
Detail oriented
Multi-tasker
Ability to respond and adapt quickly in fast-paced work environment
Integrity, commitment/dedication
Enthusiastic self starter with an ability to work effectively under pressure

Pretend you’re working in an Apple factory.

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And so on.

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