#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Twitter Thread

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 1 – The people that you hate worse than cancer b/c they call you on your Marxism are called “haters.” #UAWOW

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 2 – Liberally (no pun) apply “racist” label when addressing conservatives. Especially black conservatives.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 3 – When government screws up markets, argue that it proves that only government can save markets. Loudly.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 4 – Indies are like skittish colts–avoid quoting Marx directly. Go for Van Jones, or Tom Friedman.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 5 – If you are a womanses, talk about your vagina. A *lot*.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 6 – Disruption, not clarity, is the goal. Don’t get sucked into bourgeois “logic.”

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 7 – Lie. You’re a Leftist. Get with the program.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 8 – Truth is an abstract, patriarchal, absolutist, racist, bourgeois construct. Clarity is creepy.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 9 – The world owes you. And it’s gonna pay. But you’ll say it’s for The Oppressed. For power.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 10 – Your life is [messed] up because Republicans stole your bliss. #Imagine no Republicans.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 11 – Saul Alinksy. Pop quiz at tomorrow’s SEIU stealth Occupy tactics collective townhall.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 12 – Talk about the Constitution like you give two [expletives].

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 13 – Fairness: achievement is inherently suspect, failure is inherently noble. #EatTheRich #LosersRule

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 14 – Cops are oppressors, cop-killers are revolutionaries.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 15 – Avoid real economists, and numbers in general–except cervical cancer deaths that GOP will cause.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 16 – Citing crime stats by race is inherently a hate crime by its mere utterance. SCREAM RACIST! No, LOUDER!

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 17 – So-called Black Conservatives aren’t really black. Who better to make that judgment than white Lefties?

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 18 – Comedy and political demagoguery depend on specificity. If you go anecdotal, make [stuff] up. Get specific.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 18 – Attack. Don’t wait for facts on the ground to be known. Attack. Yo mama attack. Try to keep up.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 19 – Breeders are evil. Don’t be a breeder. You’ll obsess on your family and neglect The Struggle. #ecocrime

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 20 – We need more of the stuff that screwed us up in the first place. #DoubleDown: It’s not just Vegas now.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 21 – Al Sharpton is a Black Leader. Not sellouts like Sowell Williams Elder et al.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 22 – When white conservatives are fans of black conservatives, that’s racist. Never forget it.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 23 – Conflate illegal immigration with immigration generally, and blast conservatives as anti-immigrant.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 24 – Conservatives are stoopid. Like, screwing farm animals stoopid. Heh heh heh. (Now you try it.)

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 25 – It’s all Bush’s fault. And Evangelicals. Since they ran Congress and shiz. Say it, and it will be true.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 26 – Repubics are stupid. And racist. And greedy. They hate women children gays puppies and fuzzy bunnies.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 27 – Sarah Palin is a dumb c___ nutroots bloggers would like to grudgef___. Joe Biden is, well, Joe Biden.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 28 – Blame conservatives for gridlock when they balk at your Fundamental Transformation of America.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 29 – SCOTUS slaps down Dem overreach? No worries: Executive Orders in the queue.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 30 – Bank Of .Gov is the same as Bank of Mom. B____ is holding back.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 31 – A theoretical study of how the world works means so much more than all the experience of the ages.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 32 – We are hip, we are droll, we are flip, we are something something. Unlike repubics with farm animals.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 33 – You did read a chapter of Sartre once. You feel SO much. Unlike knuckledragger flyover mouth-breathers.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 34 – Conservatives lie awake at night, scheming and thinking up ways to screw poor people. Many are Jews.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 35 – Change the subject. Personal attacks. Anecdotal nonsense. #TwoMinutesHate

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 36 – Take all your God-given intelligence, and submit it to your collective’s Purity Council’s will.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 37 – Left to their own devices, people will live their lives in ways you would not. That’s gotta stop.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 38 – History starts with you. Your musings, no matter how banal, are brilliant. Your progenitors are ‘tards.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 39 – Burn down a Starbucks; use your iPhone to upload a photo to Twitpic of you hurling a Molotov cocktail.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 40 – All conservatives are repressed homosexuals. Except for the gay cons, who are self-hating homosexuals.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 41 – Think of a normal adult and take away reason and accountability. And basic cultural literacy.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 42 – If you can’t dazzle ’em with logical brilliance, bloviate about “investments” and “fairness.”

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 43 – Never diss Richard Petty. Trust me.

#LearnToSpeakLeftist™ – Lesson 44 – White House transcripts. A primer. Goodnight.


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