The Obaweh Tablets
August 29, 2010 1 Comment
Archeologists Discover Obaweh Commandments
In an amazing discovery, archeologists today discovered tablets dating back to the Obaweh Epoch while sifting though the ruins of the Green Cathedral (formerly known as the Washington Cathedral).
While details are sketchy at this time, we are able to bring to you a first draft translation of the Tablets:
Thou shalt have none other gods before me.
Thou shalt make thee graven images and swag (including but not limited to key chains and coffee mugs), with many likeness of Me with a fake halo:
Thou shalt bow down thyself unto them, and serve them: for I Obaweh thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the Founding Fathers upon the children unto the upteenth generation of them that hate me,
And shewing mercy unto the forty-some-percent-and-shrinking of them that love me and keep my commandments.
Thou shalt not take the name of Obaweh thy God in vain: for Obaweh will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain, nor PhotoShops mustaches, nor mocks His propensity for bowing, nor makes Him look like Jack Nicholson in Batman.
Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as Obaweh thy God hath commanded thee. Thou shalt golf.
Six days thou shalt labour, and do all thy work:
But on the seventh thou shalt go on a two-week vacation to the Bahamas.
And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Bush, and that Obaweh thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm and the force of His charm and more than a bit of voter fraud: therefore the LORD thy God commanded thee to golf.
Honour thy father and thy mother, except that they be white and typical, as Obaweh thy God hath commanded thee; that thy terms may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the Congress which Obaweh thy God giveth thee.
Thou shalt not kill.* (*Fetuses not included.)
Neither shalt thou commit adultery.* (*See attached Clintonite tablet for definition of adultery.)
Neither shalt thou steal like the Corporatites and the Republitites, but thou shalt instead redistribute like the Marxites and the Democratites.
Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour, except when they be Corporatites or Republitites.
Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour’s wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour’s. (Had you going there for a minute, didn’t I? Just kidding–never let it be said that Obaweh thy God doesn’t have a sense of humor.)